Reshuffle
by Vincent Kinneas
Summary: Three months after Ultimecia's defeat, Zell pines for the one girl he can't have, whilst Seifer struggles to readjust to life. Then a dangerous new mission comes along... rated for possible violence and language in later chapters.
1. Why

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, yadda yadda yadda.  
  
A/N: Ok, my ideas for this fic had stagnated, so I'm readjusting it. I've decided to have a poem in every chapter, to give an over view of what's going on, and to add a quote or two as well. For the poem in this chapter, I'm using one I already posted independently, but I'll write new ones for the other chapters. Anyway, enjoy this and lemme know whatcha think. C ya! Wolfy  
  
Reshuffle  
  
Why  
  
I see how you look at me,  
  
And I see how you look at him.  
  
Never was I the one for you,  
  
Only the friend on the sidelines.  
  
Everything I had I gave,  
  
My time, my support, my heart,  
  
Yet it wasn't enough.  
  
It was him you gazed at longingly,  
  
Even when he ignored you,  
  
Treated you like dirt,  
  
Didn't give a damn about anything.  
  
It was him you thought of,  
  
His scarred face you saw in your dreams,  
  
His Gunblade you saw protecting you,  
  
His arms you wanted around you.  
  
I stood by, helping you,  
  
Wanting your happiness,  
  
Trying to make him see,  
  
When all I could think of  
  
Was your voice, your hair, your lips.  
  
Now I watch as the two of you hold hands,  
  
As you dance together,  
  
As you kiss.  
  
And I wonder why. . .  
  
Why I love someone who can't return it,  
  
Why you couldn't think of me like that,  
  
Why he receives your affections.  
  
Why it's not me.  
  
Why I'm 'just a friend'.  
  
Why. . .  
  
"I've tried everything that I can  
  
To get my heart to forget you  
  
But it just can't seem to."  
  
Painted On My Heart  
  
The Cult  
  
"Inside my heart is breaking,  
  
My makeup may be flaking, but my smile  
  
Still stays on. . ."  
  
The Show Must Go On  
  
Queen  
  
Zell sighed, a sad sound, a noise that told the world of his hurt. The cafeteria was empty save for him, and he took comfort in the solitude. In company, he was the joker, the hyperactive, cheerful guy in the gang, always the first to try humour to lighten the mood, or act stupid to get a laugh. In private, however, he could throw away the façade, let his true emotions out. And right now he was depressed.  
  
It was ten o'clock on a Sunday night, and Zell had just finished a training session, taking out his aggression on a couple of Grats. Everything had been going fine, and he had been enjoying himself quite a bit. It had even given him a chance to try out his new limit attack, meteor strike, which had been rather successful. After the Grats were finished, Zell decided to check into the secret place for a few minutes, hoping to bump into Irvine. The sniper owed him fifteen gil he had borrowed that day for lunch, and Zell needed the money back to pay off a gambling debt. He vowed never to play Xu again; only a promise of money had saved his beloved Shiva card, his most cherished item. Ah well, such was life. He was in a pretty good mood overall anyway, so he wasn't too bothered.  
  
He had walked along the narrow gangplank to the entrance, and that had been when his heart sunk. At the far end of the area, Squall and Rinoa were sitting on a bench snuggling, arms draped around each other's shoulders. Zell had looked at the display and wanted to cry. As they had their backs to him, he had left quietly and made his way to the cafeteria, where he had let himself in with the spare key. Being on the staff had some advantages.  
  
It wasn't as if he didn't know they were an item; he just hated having to be reminded of it constantly. And he felt bad about is jealousy, because they were two of his closest friends. He should have been happy for them. Instead, all he felt was a burning in the pit of his stomach when he saw them together. He tried not to let it show, because he didn't want any of their friendships to suffer just because of his unreturned affection.  
  
As soon as he had met Rinoa, during their first mission in Timber, he had been attracted to her. It was obvious from the outset that she only had eyes for Squall, but at first Zell hadn't minded. He had smirked at his leader's confusion from having a beautiful girl follow him. And that would have been that.  
  
But as Zell spent more time with Rinoa, he had gotten to know her really well, and had started to think about her more and more. She wasn't just a cute girl, as he had first thought, she was a great person in her own right. Zell had been enchanted by her kindness, good nature, sense of humour and her strategic mind. As he caught himself laughing loudly at even her mildest jokes, thinking about her voice, her eyes, her walk, he had realized; he was falling in love with her.  
  
Squall had shown no interest in her for a while and Zell had thought he might have been in with a chance. He had tried to be her best friend and do everything for her all at once. He had offered to make her a copy of Squall's ring, bought her lunch whenever they were out and had even cleaned her weapon for her between battles. He remembered during the battle against Galbadia Garden, Squall had thought he didn't have the time to save her from falling overboard. Zell had exploded at him, barely managing to stop himself from killing his leader. That had been one of the most frightening days of his life; thinking that his love would be killed due to the callousness of the man she loved.  
  
Then she had gone into her coma, and Zell had realized he had totally misread the situation. Any time he came to the medlab to visit her, Squall was already there, holding her hand, his face ashen. He cared for Rinoa more than anything in the world, he had just been reluctant to let his feelings show. After Rinoa returned to Earth, conscious again, Zell had made the decision to take a step back. It was obvious how they felt about each other, so there was no point in trying to stop that. And after the adventure was over, they were indeed together. Zell had been slightly upset, but had shrugged it off, figuring he'd get over it soon. There was a cute girl at the library asking him out, so he wasn't without prospects. Everything would be fine.  
  
How wrong he had been. Rinoa's face came to his mind more often than ever, now accompanied by a faint twinge of sadness every time. The girl from the library (Cecilia, her name was) had lost interest in him, as every time they talked, the conversation drifted back to Rinoa. The sight of Squall and her together had begun to make him feel like he was being stabbed in the heart, and he had become slightly distant from his best friend, not being able to see him without thinking "Why you? Why did she choose you?"  
  
So here he was, three months down the line, eating a hotdog and ketchup in the middle of a darkened room, trying to drown his sorrows in calories. He couldn't go on like this. He spent every waking minute thinking of how he should have said something sooner, made his intentions clearer, not let Squall get there before him. It was a sad state of affairs.  
  
He sighed again, trying to clear his head. Tomorrow was Monday, the start of a new week. Maybe something would come up to take his mind off of it. Getting slowly to his feet, he shuffled back to his dorm room and collapsed, only to dream about the one he loved.  
  
"Rinoa," he whispered in his sleep.  
  
A/N: Well, that's the first newly rewritten chapter. Please R + R. Wolfy 


	2. Displacement

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, etc.  
  
A/N: Well, here's chapter 2 anyway!  
  
Reshuffle  
  
Displacement  
  
I know what I did but it wasn't my fault  
  
My guilt could fill oceans and bring me to a halt.  
  
This is the only home I've ever known  
  
So why when I'm here do I feel so alone?  
  
Everyone hates me, they don't understand  
  
Just want me banished from their land.  
  
But how can I atone for sins not truly mine?  
  
There has to be something, I just need a sign. . .  
  
"Nothing.  
  
And nothing's what you got when you ain't got something  
  
You'll never get it back."  
  
Nothing  
  
A  
  
The sound of gunblades clashing pierced the early morning air much better than the dawn chorus ever managed. It was music to Seifer's ears, as he parried a backhand slice and countered with a low sweep. His opponent backflipped away, giving both a second to catch their breath, before the battle began again in earnest.  
  
It went on like this for a good ten minutes, a perfectly orchestrated dance of destruction, neither combatant giving an inch, two experts of their trade playing magnificently off each other. Finally, a buzzer sounded. The pair lowered their swords and gave a quick bow, before collapsing in exhaustion. Seifer breathed heavily for a minute or so, then turned to his training partner with a smile. "How's that for a training session Squall?" The commander of Balamb Garden treated him to a rare grin.  
  
"Not bad at all Seifer. Your form is a lot better than when we started this. How are you adjusting again anyway?"  
  
"Could be worse," he said, reluctant to spoil the exhilaration he always felt after a battle. Squall frowned, and was about to press the point, when his pager sounded. He sighed in irritation.  
  
"Well, duty calls. I'll see you at the briefing in half an hour, ok?"  
  
"Ok. See ya later," he said as Squall hurried off. Seifer contemplated what to do for the next half hour, and decided upon a visit to the Quad. He could do with a peaceful seat for a while. He stood up, returned his gunblade to it's holster on his back, and exited the training center.  
  
It only took him a couple of minutes to walk round to the Quad, find his favourite bench and sit down. It was still pretty early, but the student committee was already up and about, making the final touches to the decorations for the Garden Festival. Seifer smirked at this; Selphie certainly hadn't wasted any time in getting the event back on track after everything went back to normal. As they passed by he smiled and waved a greeting. The girls scowled at him, then took a wide berth to avoid having to pass close to him. Seifer was crestfallen. He knew why people treated him like this and he knew that he deserved it, but it still wounded him deeply every time it happened. He'd never lead a normal life again if this kept happening. Maybe I should just run away, to where no-one knows me, he pondered for a second, then rejected the idea. Since the days of the orphanage, the Garden had been his only home. And trying to avoid the problem wasn't the answer. He'd just have to win people's trust back. Overall, though, he was well on the road to redemption; he'd managed to salvage his sanity so far.  
  
After Squall and the others had destroyed Ultimecia, Seifer's mind had been nearly ripped apart. The force which had controlled him for so long had violently disappeared, and the effect it had on Seifer was devastating. He had been a vegetable, from the combination of the magic used on him and having to examine his horrific actions without a cloak of deceit. Fujin and Raijin had found him near Tear's Point, curled into a ball as if trying to keep the world out like a child would. They had tried to nurse him back to health for a few days, but there had been no change in his condition. In desperation, they had handed him over to the only person they knew who had experience in sorcerous injuries; Dr. Odine.  
  
Odine had been able to repair the magical damage to his mind, and had referred him to the top psychologist in Esthar. Over the next two months, he had gradually been able to deal with the atrocities he had committed, to the point where he had regained all the skills of communication, movement and everything else he ever knew. Remorse still stabbed into him like a spear in the gut, but he could start to move on with his life. I deserve to be remorseful anyway, he mentally added.  
  
Then the call had come. Squall had found out about his former nemesis' rehabilitation and had come over to judge the situation. As he entered the room and saw Seifer, his face had stiffened, fire in his gaze, remembering the torture session in the Galbadian prison. Seifer had looked in his eyes and seen the hatred there. For a few minutes they just looked at each other, neither knowing what to say that wouldn't start a fight. Then, to Squall's shock, Seifer had fallen to his knees and collapsed in a sobbing heap, crying, "I'm sorry," over and over again. After he got over his surprise, Squall had knelt down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder, as much comfort as he knew how to give. "I forgive you," he whispered, realizing that Seifer really hadn't been in control of his actions.  
  
After a couple of days, Squall had extended his offer to an amazed Seifer; to return to Garden as a trainee SeeD. He had snapped up the offer like a starving crocodile and gone back that very day. It had been a rocky road, but he had forged links of friendship with the rest of his companions from the orphanage. They had been reluctant to forgive and forget at first, but Squall was adamant that Seifer had changed, and that went a long way towards it.  
  
So here he was, a month later, trying desperately to fit in. And still he couldn't find peace, or anything approaching it. The only time he felt better was when he fought; it seemed that part of him hadn't changed at all. This meant he was quite looking forward to the meeting, as they had just been hired for a mission, and Seifer was retaking his SeeD test as part of it. He looked at his watch and found he had moped long enough; it was time to go to the meeting. Hopefully this mission would give him a diversion from his depression for a while. He stood up and walked off, ignoring the poisonous glares from several students he passed on the way to the elevator.  
  
A/N: Well, there's the second installment. Don't worry, it's not gonna stay THIS depressing for the whole fic! The next chapter should have some humour in it, as I'm aware it's severely lacking so far. I'll try and have it done within the week. Till then, rock on!  
  
Wolfy 


End file.
